To the girl who hides behind ‘I am okay’

I won’t ask you how have you been. I know, no matter how close I am to you, you will still put a curtain around you. I will tell you something. Even that extra coat of gloss won’t make your smile seem longer and fuller. That Kohl you put with such dedication, that won’t help in hiding eyes that have not been sleeping. The forced stride in your steps will not hide the shards that have crushed your heart.

You hold that phone with such a force, hoping that the next response will help you find that missing smile. You listen to ‘Koi Faryaad’ and ‘Tere Bin’ hoping that the tears will find their way out from the vault. But you know what? For now, exist. Don’t live. Hold yourself while the tornado is done ravaging everything around you. It has got its eye on you. It will slam you with sly moves while you put up that fight. Save some of it.

And you know what will help you sail through it? YOU. You are your own army, your own commander, everything. People have battles to pick and fight. They will not be a commander in your fight. They might even try to poach you for their battle because of your wonderful ability of bouncing back after every punch.

You have every weapon you need in your inventory. You don’t need fake assurances from two-faced turds.

I know how much you loved Iqbal particularly your belief that if you watch this movie before every exam, you will fare well. Remember that scene where Naseruddin shah says, “Dimaag aur dil jab ek saath kaam karte hai na … toh farak nahi padta hai ki dimaag kaunsa hai aur dil kaunsa hai.” You have got the two greatest weapons within you, why seek solace from someone who thinks of you as an object.

Dear girl, I could tell you more. But I will leave you with this hoping that you don’t find someone to talk to with an unsettling fervour, and rely on your own devices. You are a miracle of this universe, why be someone’s unnamed exploit?

Love- D

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Freedom

You probably need an internal revolt;

Every cell up in arms against your colonisers;

Declaring a battle against that ex

Whose memory has chained you;

Whose built his palace on your ruins;

Maybe you need to scream your war cry

Against that ‘friend’ who feeds glass to your misery;

You need to set up a guerilla trap

Against your anxiety;

Giving it a taste of its own medicine.

You need to draw your battle lines

Sometimes against yourself;

That version which conspires to bring you down;

Every minute. Every second.

You need freedom;

You need a war;

And sometimes you’ll be the soldier

Or the enemy;

But better to try;

Than to live the illusion of independence.

Running with Questions

Let me just say it out loud to myself.

I have no idea where I am headed or what I am meant to do.

I sketch. Write. That is all what I know.

Sometimes, it just helps to say it. You keep repeating it to yourself in your mind. And your mind just goes on playing a film of all the bad luck your cluelessness is bringing to you. And all you can do is drown with this thought haunting you day in and day out.

But when you write it or say it with all the firmness, it might just feel as if you are ready to tackle this storm.

To tell you a little about me, I suffer from anxiety. Panic attacks for me sometimes become something like a tussle between life and death. It is that real for me. And I lost my father six years ago when I was nineteen years old.

Since that day, I did everything that came my way. I did not sit and plan out or charted out a career path. It was all about finding peace and if that also meant, getting a job in his office, I was quite alright with that too. In fact at that point of time, that goal was driving me. It helped me not lose my sanity. But I had not realised that I was just digging a hole for myself.

At that point the decision to escape in multiple internships than deal with the trauma of losing him suddenly seemed like an easy choice to make.

And then my years just passed with multiple internships to my credit, juggling it all with my studies etc. At 22 or 23, big words like ‘career’ don’t make a hasty appearance.

This word will take its time to come till your doorsteps. It brings with itself a batallion of questions. These are weapons of different intensities meant to poke you at all the right places. The injuries might make you want to sit down and not get up or maybe rise after a long period of sitting down. In my case, maybe it is the second scenario.

The thing is my anxiety also started sucking my power to think. It created a comfort zone for me, which was made of tears, fright, panic attacks etc…It actually seemed like a soft cushion when doubt struck. And now when my counsellor asks me to think about my life ahead or what I want to do, I can only envision a blank space. Maybe because all this while I have gone with the flow. Maybe I have never known what it is to sit and have that talk with your parent.

When I thought of writing this piece, I had imagined that I will be rummaging through all the doubts within me and find an answer beneath that pile. But yet again, I wrote the question while the answer is still somewhere waiting to be found; hoping that I don’t fall in the trap of running with questions than embracing answers.

Free writing-Rant

Staring into the computer screen and churning thoughts, which I may not be able to say to anyone or to the people, who should know has become a forte of sorts. I am tired of being strong. Looking at the worries of my loved ones, I zip up. What can you already tell an over-burdened person who is trying to find balance with his or her baggage? When we begin something, our purpose might be something else, but looking at a contemporary who is succeeding, our purpose might evolve. The difference between the initial and the changed purpose is what actually leads to the agony and the pain. It lays foundation for the lingering discontent.

I have always wondered why is it that we read horoscope columns in our newspapers. It could be just for the fun of it, but for some, maybe they need to read those words. Maybe, they need to know that they will have a good day. Maybe, they need to be warned of a coming problem or a difficult situation. Maybe, they don’t hear these words too often from people around them and they need a horoscope to probably give them some solace. We are so connected to the world all the time, yet we will continue to walk alone.

Somehow, slow instrumental music has a way to calm the throbbing pain within. With so many ideas and so less time, which I know is what happens with everyone, you are just so tired all the time. We are told we should be strong and we should hold ourselves high, but it is such a tiring job. For a person who has done that all this while, people do need some respite.

A very great man passed away and whenever good people leave us, there is such a void they leave behind. You need not be famous to leave a void. I honestly don’t know why I am writing this. I am just so tired and sick of everything.