Let me just say it out loud to myself.
I have no idea where I am headed or what I am meant to do.
I sketch. Write. That is all what I know.
Sometimes, it just helps to say it. You keep repeating it to yourself in your mind. And your mind just goes on playing a film of all the bad luck your cluelessness is bringing to you. And all you can do is drown with this thought haunting you day in and day out.
But when you write it or say it with all the firmness, it might just feel as if you are ready to tackle this storm.
To tell you a little about me, I suffer from anxiety. Panic attacks for me sometimes become something like a tussle between life and death. It is that real for me. And I lost my father six years ago when I was nineteen years old.
Since that day, I did everything that came my way. I did not sit and plan out or charted out a career path. It was all about finding peace and if that also meant, getting a job in his office, I was quite alright with that too. In fact at that point of time, that goal was driving me. It helped me not lose my sanity. But I had not realised that I was just digging a hole for myself.
At that point the decision to escape in multiple internships than deal with the trauma of losing him suddenly seemed like an easy choice to make.
And then my years just passed with multiple internships to my credit, juggling it all with my studies etc. At 22 or 23, big words like ‘career’ don’t make a hasty appearance.
This word will take its time to come till your doorsteps. It brings with itself a batallion of questions. These are weapons of different intensities meant to poke you at all the right places. The injuries might make you want to sit down and not get up or maybe rise after a long period of sitting down. In my case, maybe it is the second scenario.
The thing is my anxiety also started sucking my power to think. It created a comfort zone for me, which was made of tears, fright, panic attacks etc…It actually seemed like a soft cushion when doubt struck. And now when my counsellor asks me to think about my life ahead or what I want to do, I can only envision a blank space. Maybe because all this while I have gone with the flow. Maybe I have never known what it is to sit and have that talk with your parent.
When I thought of writing this piece, I had imagined that I will be rummaging through all the doubts within me and find an answer beneath that pile. But yet again, I wrote the question while the answer is still somewhere waiting to be found; hoping that I don’t fall in the trap of running with questions than embracing answers.